What am I? Do I know myself? Why am I doing this? Why am I here in the first place?….
A series of questions haunt me every night before I go to sleep. And the sad part is I have no answers to these questions. The more I think about it, more scared I feel. The world seems lonely sometimes, you see people around you happy and that is normal. Because that’s what we see and sadness is never openly shared. Some experts call this situation as “Depression”. I guess I am also a member of this class. My life has been a mystery and I’m still exploring. People I meet and get close to always tell me that I’m different and special. I never understood what does that means. I was looking for someone who could answer my questions. And for 22 years this person was nowhere to be found. But finally, I think I become a person who I was looking for in the world. Here is my story on “How, I became a person I was looking for.”
Sometimes it’s difficult to find someone to share your true feelings with. And it’s not easy to trust anyone with your feelings. Many questions arise in your mind, Will he/she really understand me?, Will I be judged on what I am going to share?, Does the person even care?, Can I trust him/her?, Am I ready to do this?, Is it the right time?……
My childhood was lost, I was mentally tortured and sexually abused. These incidents in my life made me scared and a dumb child. My parents were always worried if I’m ever going to be like a normal child, who plays, sings, talks, feels etc. But I grew up, like everyone and became more understanding. The only difference was no one knew what I have seen and experienced as a child. It’s hard to keep secrets. And such secrets eats you alive. Nature has a rule, every secret comes out open one day and people find someone with whom they can share it with. And that’s why they are called secrets. To find a right person, at the right time, for the right purpose, in a right way to share your secret is not easy.
Somewhere lost in my own world one day I realized that I can change my own world. It’s only me who can bring happiness and colors to my life. My questions can only be answered by me. And that’s how I learned that the person I’m actually looking for is who I’m becoming. When I was young, one day I asked my Mum “How do people get babies?”. And she knew exactly what to answer, God gives them. Then, I asked “How?”. She took me on her lap and explained me that there are some things which you can only understand when you grow up. And as a child I was angry and also curious asking myself, when will I grow up? Similarly, my answers to the questions will be come with time. And so I don’t need to look for anyone else to answer them for me.
Thank you for reading. It’s first time I’m writing, and so it might not be perfect. Please do give your valuable suggestions….